MY STORY

My story starts when I started high school. Well the summer before. That summer my dog Buddy had caught a stomach virus that made him sick almost every hour on the hour. He was dying and I had to sit there and watch. I couldn't do anything. All the promising of never letting something hurt him was out the door. When he died I felt my heart drop. It was the first time, that I could remember, that I had experienced someone's death and that person being close to me.

Soon the panic attacks started to sprout up.

It was my junior year in high school and things started to take a change for the worst.

I started marching band again that year and with my crush no longer acknowledging my exsistance, I found that my friends were one by one leaving my side. I was alone.

As much as they would say they were there for me, they weren't. One of my closest friends left me so she could hang out with her crush. Another left me to hang out with her new friends. Another left me just cause. And even more walked away, slowly but steadily.

To make matters worse, my family wasn't doing all to well. It was almost Christmas, and we not having much money, couldn't afford many gifts. I so badly wanted to buy my family gifts and give them the best Christmas ever, but I couldn't. To add on my school life was getting worse and worse. I felt like a failure. I felt there was nothing I could do to help anyone including myself. I felt the whole world was against me and I felt a pain in my heart that was so intense....

I tried, oh I tried to tell myself things would get better, but they didn't. Failing tests, losing my A grades to C grades made me feel even more like a failure. Watching people I care about leave my life and knowing that I wasn't worth someones time put even more weights on me.

Though my suicidal thoughts were lead from pain of failure and unusual circumstances, it still hurt me.

I remember being in the kitchen and cutting things with my favorite knife. As I cut away at whatever I was chopping, I would stare at that knife. I would think of how it would relive me of the pain that I had been a prisoner of for so long. That knife was so convincing to me, but I never once cut myself. Don't mistake, I wanted to very very badly, but it was the thought of what my life could hold that pulled me away.

I thought of being a teacher for kids. I thought of how I wanted three boys of my own with a man who would actually want me. I thought of the fun dance parties I could have when cooking with my kids and helping them understand why life is so wonderful. I thought of my family. I thought of all the fun we could have together. I thought of the pain I would leave if I killed myself. That thought hit me the hardest. How could I do such a God awful thing to my family? I couldn't.

I faced myself. I looked myself in the mirror one day and told myself how important I was. How meaningful I was not only to myself but to others.

Before I knew it, things started to get better. That Christmas, my evil aunt came up and helped us buy presents for each of us. New Years was hilarious as I watched Mariah Carey fail. 2017 couldn't be all that bad. Few of my friends came back and helped me smile more. An old friend whom I hadn't talked to much started to talk to me about Harry Potter and thank goodness she did other wise I wouldn't have gotten into it. Nor would I have seen what it feels like to watch someone light up. Seeing her light up gave me a new feeling of hope, that there still was genuine innocence, joy and hope in the world. That feeling I wanted to hold onto.

Slowly after time I felt better. Sure I'll say I want to kill myself, but I say it when I really don't want to take a test.

LIFE GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. Just look at my story. I thought that everything was just getting worse and that death was the only way out, but in reality, it got worse to show me what could get better.

As a famous person no one knows once said:

"Shit happens."